Confessions of a Damn Lousy DOTA player

It ain't easy when all your friends are super ultra Dota pros and you're more of a Dota pawn than anything else. First of all there's the odd feeling that you really ought to be better than this. I mean, the basic skills seem easy enough. Just click here click there, buy this buy that, run up and down and shoot at people. And the easiest (not to mention the most fun) skill to master: hollering KNNBCCB and trashing your keyboard and mouse after you die. Either that or be a silent brooding jackarse for the rest of the day. But that requires a bit more effort so I haven't been able to master it yet.
Another consequence is that when you're out playing the game with your mates, they start feeling compelled to educate you on the finer points of fragging your friends and what not. Now don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing inherently wrong with that. I appreciate it in fact. The only problem is that usually what they say and what I hear are two completely different things. For example:

What They Say: Stay behind the creeps and don't be too garang hor. Don't die

What I Hear: Kill

'Eh that was close! Stay behind the tower! Don't so garang!'

'Kill kill kill.'

'Oi! NO! DON'T GO DON'T GO!!!'

'KILL KILL KILL the pigs! Rape their women!! Drink their blood!! And remember to steal their Ben and Jerry's from the fridge on your way back!!!!!'

But of course when things are going about like this, you're bound to hear (or think you hear) some decidedly off centre things.

'Next time they come again you faster stun one and then I chu my jialat jialat power kew them all!'

'Eh did you know that I can rub my belly, pat my head and sing Yellow Submarine while riding a uni-cycle upside down?'

Whereupon I usually say:

'Eh really ah? You can do that?'

'Shh, don't later everybody know.'

When you're waiting for your hero to revive half the time, you have a lot of opportunity to think about these things.