doors

when something unpleasant or sad happens, there's a door i open.
i step through the doorway,
and shut the door behind me.
i then face another, yet unopened door.
these doors are what you would call emotional defences.
every doorway i pass through, every door i shut,
the more pain is forgotten, ignored, hidden.
i feel less vulnerable, more sure that only i'm in control of my life,
not some string pulled puppet.
but i'm scared.
there are too many doors i've gone through and shut.
too many times my two ever reliable friends, silence and loneliness,
sat by me,
coaxing me to open one more.
they seem thrilled at my helplessness and hopelessness.
silent scream.
the recluse is eating me up.
the darkness is drowning me.
when will she come to unlock my doors?
(and by this i don't mean the infamous h)


anyway, isaac, i have a right to be depressed, this time.
scamper is in the hospital.. he can't breathe properly
those of you who are usual guests at my place know that he wheezes like hell whenever he gets up, sits down, eats, walks, sleeps, whatever. yeah so he's on oxygen now. hmmm.
so jh, one more thing for you to pray about for me alright?
smu, licence, scamper.

and i came close to losing my ring this evening. scared the shit out of me until i activated my men to find it. luckily for me they found it. what a day. there goes one more door. WOW here i come.