anyway taiwan was like a reality trip for me. like a monk who has just been enlightened after walking to his temple somewhere far away and back. so i shall tell all of you what i've learnt, or come to realize about myself, after being extremely relaxed and taken care of in taiwan (not forgetting the times i've spent in solitude reading and reading...).
firstly, i've asked myself this over and over again during the 3 weeks:
"if you could be happy, really happy, for just awhile, but you knew from the start it would end in sadness and bring pain afterwards, would you choose to have that happiness or would you avoid it?"
and to this question i would answer yes with all my heart. yes this means i'm impetuous, irrational and impatient. and this is probably the source of my screw ups in life. but what the hell, i'm happy right? i'm doing what i want and taking risks, daring myself in ways i never would... and that itself is a joy. certain examples include prelims (wc3 lol) and of course love. this will be the way i live my life... something i wouldn't change because to me, it's worth it.
and to answer all of you, to give you guys an explanation for my indifference these few months, to my seclusion and withdrawel from the present living world, to my inferiority complex (haha some get my complaining worse than others - thx e*) and finally to my emotional masochism, i will tell you shaun is craving love. wait, don't hang up, turn away or cringe. i've put much thought into that senseless cliche of a phrase. One of the reasons why i crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into my heart that only loneliness can help me find them again. Some truths about myself are so painful that only shame can help me live with them. and somethings are just so sad that only my soul can do the crying for me. Without love, all i have are the three things.. loneliness above all. so i'm very sorry for being a depressed freak, and pissing everyone off.. i'm sorry for mumbling everytime i talk, and keeping to myself all the time. i'm especially sorry for my irritable nature, and expecting the world to revolve around me (but it should, shouldn't it?).
And loneliness? why is it that loneliness is what i have above all? loneliness takes everything, and gives us nothing in return. But for me, the nothingness that it gives me, the unfeeling emptiness it gives me, is sometimes all and everything i want...because there's a powerful emotion derived from it - hopeless depression. Always the top pick for an emotional masochist.
i understood myself better after uncovering all these about myself, and finally penning them down into words. the time spent along ridge lines on a hammock by myself for hours on end is worth it after all.. taiwan was really a nice vacation for both body and soul for me... i'm happier! finally! i still mumble though.
alright, after clearing the air, lemme continue.. christmas is coming! i haven't bought anything for the exchange present thing. can i give angbao? 50 bucks right? i give 50 bucks angbao. simple and applies to everyone. going back to camp on monday, hope to see you guys either tomorrow or the weekend.. i wanna play pool. dota? nah... going to catch up with my NFS as well. and oh my, everyone's shopping hopping mad. save money dudes..and babes, cause we'll all need it in uni.ok only applies to dudes. bah. okay shall end here. rather long post, sorry. oh yeah, MAJ Lam says i think too much, after reading my palm. how true is that...haha..
jh>> naruto! and other yummy anime. and nice epic shows! star wars epi 2... etc...and yes, dude where's my car!
ian>> no such thing as platonic unless your best girlfriend is fugly. frankly put. or if you're fugly.
lor>> call me
e*>> i got a nice handphone strap shit for you... come collect
and finally, true words of wisdom. to get the most susceptible lonely person craving love like me, out of trouble.
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